The village of Trigueros del Valle in Spain, population 300, has given pets the same rights as human beings, calling their fuzzy friends 'non-human residents'. The mayor is courting the cat vote in the next election by making uncomfortable eye contact with people stuck on the toilet. He predicts a landslide victory, as dogs are notorious for their disdain of democracy.
An American dentist has been accused of illegally murdering one of Africa's most famous territorial pussycats. He has since gone into hiding to escape the uproar. Humanity finally has a reason to hate dentists. #rimshot
Stephen Hawing and Russian tycoon Yuri Milner have announced a pledge of one hundred million USD to help fund the search for aliens. Donald Trump says he will pledge to build a wall into space to ensure that absolutely no illegal space-Mexicans make it into America. Don't forget to vote.