I'm 27. They say you're only as old as who you feel. But my wife is almost 30, so I am freaking the fuck out! What am I doing with my life? My eggs are rotting as we speak!
A 78 year old man was punched in the face for suggesting a fellow shopper at Costco was taking advantage of the free samples. To be fair, the samples in question were of Nutella, and low blood sugar can make a man do crazy things. And let's be honest, who wouldn't assault an old person for one more hit of sweet, sweet Nutella?
A former peanut company CEO was sentenced to 28 years for knowingly selling salmonella-tainted peanuts. Who knew so many people were allergic to salmonella?
A teenage boy in North Carolina is being prosecuted for having naked photos of himself on his phone and narrowly avoided being labeled a sex offender for possession of child pornography. At the same time, Washington state has made marijuana possession a felony for anyone under 21. If kids aren't allowed to get high and snap naked pics of themselves, how can we expect them to become contributing members of society?
A study out of Israel shows that babies exposed to peanuts at a very early age are less likely to develop peanut allergies. Scientists urge that young children be around peanuts as much as possible. The article then ends with a great recipe for a peanut-butter-and-baby sandwich. (article)
21st Century Fox has purchased a majority share in National Geographic, finally freeing the organization from the shackles of being a nonprofit. Fox wants to use the new platform to educate the next generation of National Geographers the perils of junk science like global warming and voting democrat. (article)
German scientists have successfully harvested germanium, an element important to anything that beeps or boops, from local plants. Not to be outdone, American scientists are doing their best to extract americium from half-empty cans of Miller Lite. Tests are inconclusive, but the American scientists are optimistic and have stated that they "like to see the cans as half-full". They then vomited and passed out. (article)
The relationship between Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping has hit a bit of a rocky patch as both country's economy both decided to shit the bed at the same time. Vlady's visit to Beijing couldn't have come at a worse possible time, when Xi just really needed Vlad to be there for him. Vlad said in a statement that he is just not ready to take their relationship to the next level. XI was last seen talking on the phone to his mother, who he later had purged from the Communist Party. (article)
Legislation to establish 150-meter DMZs around abortion clinics in Victoria, Australia has been adopted. The law was passed in part to keep women safe from being filmed without their consent and other harassment from protestors. And to keep losers at bay who think an abortion clinic is a good spot to pick up women. (article)
Researchers in Canada have identified fatty deposits on the brains of Alzheimer's-afflicted mice as the cause of the disease. The scientists said that the disease may soon be treatable with medications used to combat obesity. This has led to "Healthy at Every Size" groups across the United States trying to stop the brainfat-shaming, but then they forgot what they were doing and shouted at a set of stairs for an hour. (article)