An Alabama judge has told offenders unable to pay their debt to society they would be able to go free if they donated blood in a van in the court parking lot. That's some hardcore old school Shakespearean-Shylock shit right there. When asked why, the judge said a pint of blood is much easier to sell than a pound of flesh in today's economy.
A gun manufacturer in the US has started making "ISIS-proof" weapons imprinted with a bible verse and a cross used during the Christian Crusades. These weapons come at a perfect time as ISIS has announced a new army made of vampires.
Walmart and McDonalds are losing money ham over fist, panicking investors while still remaining the industry leaders in providing the public with low-cost heart disease. With McDonalds promising all-day syrup-soaked breakfasts and Walmart slashing prices on rascal scooters and industrial vats of coca-cola, these two storied franchises are promising the world "If we're going down, we're taking you motherfuckers with us!"
The California legislature has okayed the building of nuclear (new-kew-ler) waste holding buckets near the now defunct San Onofre power plant. Critics are upset with the facilities proximity to the ocean and the hazards of rising sea levels and global warming. Southern California Edison, the company in charge of building the facility, has said that they are being as careful as possible and making sure that America's nuclear Godzilla will be able to stop Japan's. If we don't act now, we will find ourselves behind in the next arms race of giant radioactive monsters punching each other on what land is left, and that is something Americans will not abide!
A Southern Baptist Theologian has come out of the reparative-therapy closet, saying the process does not work because homosexuality cannot be turned off like a switch. No, he says, homosexuality is actually a bunch of tightly bound sticks that each must be dealt with and overcome individually. Cracking these sticks is the only way to break a fa.... Oh, wait.
South Carolina Governor says the state is experiencing the worst flooding in 1,000 years, or in South Carolina-speak, 1/6 of world history!
A 14 year old girl in Ohio was suspended for buying "happy crack", a mixture of kool-aid and sugar, so sugar plus more sugar. When is America going to end this pointless war? There is no way to totally eradicate this kind of behavior, the best that can be done is to regulate these controlled substances. America needs to realize that it has already lost the war on obesity. And drugs. And Vietnam. And Terror. Woof.
Two US farmers are filing a lawsuit against cartoonishly evil hyper-conglomerate Monsanto, claiming the company's products gave them cancer. Ironically, doctors have told the farmers that their T-cell counts are dangerously low and only look promising if they Roundup. (article)