German pharmaceutical giant Bayer has agreed to buy insect-repellent and government-mind-control producer Monsanto for SIXTY-SIX BILLION dollars. The sale was originally supposed to include an extra six hundred million dollars, but both companies agreed that the price of $66,600,000,000 was too cartoonishly evil, even for Monsanto.
Brown University has started a new program where tampons will be provided free of charge in all bathrooms on campus, including the men's room. It's always nice to see people coming together to support a beautiful cause. Everyone should have access to hygiene products to soak in vodka and shove up their butts!
Iran has summoned over 450 social media users for a variety of crimes, including "illegal activities in the field of fashion". How can a country without homosexuals have a fashion police?
A mosquito flew right in the way while I was peeing, fell in the toilet and drowned. As a married man, I'm legally not allowed to say that was the happiest moment of my life, but that was the happiest moment of my life.
The United State's Justice Department announced today that they will no longer use private prisons and would only use public institutions in the future. The government wants to make prison accessible to everyone, not just the few who can afford it.
McDonald's fisheries in New Zealand are accused of under reporting their catches, as well as their continuing danger to the local endangered dolphin species. Reports have come in that fisheries associated with the fast food chain have not been forthcoming with accidental dolphin catch numbers. Bowing to public pressure, McDonalds has pulled the release of their newest burger, the "All-Dolphin Supreme".
Methamphetamine use in on the rise in Queensland, Australia. Meth, or ice as it commonly referred to in Australia, has been a national scourge for decades. When questioned, meth users responded "Well, seeing as how climate change is going to kill us anyway, we might as use ice to keep cool." before proceeding to bite the reporter in the face.
Oil is now cheaper than the barrel it goes in. Good thing I invested all my money in all those barrel futures. This bubble is never going to burst!
Barrel companies are now looking to expand their product line to other energy producers and are currently developing barrels to deliver solar and wind power to a doorstep near you.
North Korea held a parade for the scientists credited with designing the Hydrogen bomb that Kim Jong-Un says is capable of wiping out the United States in one fell swoop. Over 100,000 revelers came to see the proceedings.
That's the insanity that exists in North Korea. They need to catch up with the rest of the world and learn a parade of that size is only for people that really matter, like a Kardashian. People of SUBSTANCE.
The US armed forces used a drone-strike to blow up a building where ISIS was storing money to buy arms and pay their soldiers. The US plans to target more of these cash strongholds to halt ISIS's march across the Middle East.
When asked about the continued efficacy of the plan, the US responded "Remember the banking crisis? We're REALLY good at destroying wealth." (NEWS!)